Roses y Handcuffs

I Remember...

Mon, 07 May 2012 00:56:59 -0400

I remember

… telling her.

… her telling me it was my fault.

… it was my fault.

… telling her it was my fault.

… telling me it wasn’t my fault

… reminding her that she told me it was my fault.

…. her crying because she remembered she once told me it was my fault.

…

Now, I don’t know if I think it’s my fault or if I just remember once thinking it was because she told me it was.

Photo

Sun, 06 May 2012 22:48:59 -0400

this, you and us.

Sat, 05 May 2012 14:47:50 -0400

Him: "I miss this."
Her: "I miss you."
Him: "I miss us."

Photo

Fri, 04 May 2012 02:22:45 -0400

My Very Own Left Eye

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 18:28:00 -0400

Left Eye was the firecracker of TLC: unapologetic, confident, and still wore that heart of a lion of hers on her sleeve. Even ten years after her passing on April 25, 2002, we miss Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes for simply being herself.

Whether as individuals or a collective, TLC mirrored many young women, especially young women of color. They represented who we were and who we wanted to be, simultaneously. We found ourselves in their brutally honest, yet beautiful lyrics (personal favorites: “Damaged,” “Unpretty,” “Dear Lie”), their style (opt the condom, mama Ramirez would shank me if I ever pinned a condom on me), and their sarcasm. that I still play on any given day: “Diggin’ On You” and “Sumthin’ Wicked This Way Comes.”

Left Eye burnt down a dude’s house then posed on the cover of VIBE, in a firefighter suit, for God’s sake. Artists need that type of humor these days. We all need that type of humor.

I was nine years old when I purchased my second album ever, “Crazy Sexy Cool.” (First album being Brandy’s self-titled debut.) Aside from their hits at the time (“Waterfalls,” “Red Light Special,” which at the time I played at low volume), there are two songs in specific that I still play on any given day: “Diggin’ On You” and “Sumthin’ Wicked This Way Comes.”

“Sumthin’ Wicked This Way Comes,” aside from opening rhymes courtesy of Andre 3000, reminds me of one of my childhood friends, Laura Lopez.

Laura was the Left Eye of our childhood crew, our very own Mexican TLC: Laura, Rocio Sanchez and I. She was the crazy one of the three of us.

Laura simply didn’t give a f*ck. She drove her dad’s car around the projects at the age of 10 yrs. old. Even though it was only to the end of the street, I never got in the passenger seat, let alone in the driver’s seat. I was too much of a kitty. But not Laura. This chola of ours proudly wore dark lip liner, graffitied her crush’s name on her Nike Cortezs, and wore her Raiders parka every and any season. No matter the affairs, family or financial, she dealt with, Laura held me down as much a 10 yr. old best friend could, from turning on the light when I got scared playing “Bloody Mary,” to introducing me to the classic film, “Blood In, Blood Out.”

“I keep misfocusing my needs and this stress on my back,” Left Eye rhymes on “Sumthin’ Wicked This Way Comes.” “Ain’t no accidental deathtrap, my mishap is the fact that I’m destined to snap. It’s when I feel as though my body able is to go, my mind is ready to flow. Did you know first you catch then I throw? Its my own sense of time. If I’m late its cause I’m ending my day…”

That was Laura. Still may be, for unfortunately although friends on Facebook, we’ve been distant since she moved to southern California our junior year in highschool.

I’ve never told Laura this but I admired her. I admired her spitfire mouth, her confidence, and her “let’s just do this shit” mentality.

She knew what she wanted and who she was and you couldn’t tell her other wise cause she damn sure wasn’t apologizing.

Aside from the effortless blending of each others individual styles and personalities, TLC’s closeness and loyalty for one another always struck a chord with me, with us three. Even when each one faced their own challenges — tumultuous relationships, alcoholism, illness — at the end they had each other’s back.

And you know what’s better then standing amongst two of my best friends, singling out which and why we were what member of TLC? Being able to stand tall and close with two women throughout havoc and hardships.

"You can’t move on till you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part. It’s the..."

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 22:04:17 -0400

“You can’t move on till you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part. It’s the moving on that’s painful. So sometimes we fight it. Try and keep things the same. Things can’t stay the same though. At some point you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is. It’s the only way we grow.”

- Grey’s Anatomy

Oh.

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 22:50:51 -0400

Her: You don’t think it hurts me to see my BFF hurt?

Me: Wait, why is your boyfriend hurting?

Her: My ‘best friend forever.’ You.

Me: Oh.

It says something when I see BFF and think boyfriend. Or how my mind quickly correlates a male, a relationship when in talks of love. Not the love of my best friend.

Day No. ... Whatever.

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 23:21:00 -0400

All I wanted to do today was to:

Take the elevator up to the third floor of your building.

Walk to your closet, after your roommate would let me in.

Put on your camouflage jacket. (I’ve been looking for one for me, but I keep thinking of yours.)

Lay in your bed, sleep inside your jacket, till you came back home.

See you stand before me and smile. Smile like after the first time we kissed. Like you always smile at me when you saw me.

Hear you say, ‘It’s late. Let’s go to sleep, babe.” (A part of me wishes you would have fought me to stay. After our sweet, long good-bye.)

“Hold each other in weird ways.”

(While I was thinking all of this — of us, of how maybe it’s timing, that maybe we can be an us again, later — the 6 train stops at your stop and I have to walk out to get to another train even closer to your place.)

"Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yoruself the way you wish you..."

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:15:20 -0400

““Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yoruself the way you wish you had been all along.””

- Rae Smith

"Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That’s part of what it means..."

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 21:47:19 -0400

“Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads - at least that’s where I imagine it - there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.”

- Haruki Murakami (via misswallflower)

Hide & Hold

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 02:07:00 -0400

How twisted they were.
Intertwined in one another, underneath each other.
Hidden in between the other.
For two consecutive nights, they hid in his four walls.
Her walls.
They were each others escape from the one who left them.
They were enough for each other though, for Friday night and all of Saturday.

They blocked the sun from each others eyes.
‘No light, not yet.’

They spoke of their ghosts over sushi. Quickly devoured to devour.

Night’s arrival called for John Coltrane.
He slowly split apart the blinds with his palms.
The stars illuminated a path towards the headboard.
With her cedar colored flesh, he covered himself from the pangs of rejection.
She let go of hers when she spread her fingers and slid her hands down his back.
She gripped his arms when he whispered her name.
They licked each others wounds.

The held each other prisoner from the truth till God’s day.

“Maybe you can stay a bit longer/ Or I can try a bit...

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 01:35:15 -0400

“Maybe you can stay a bit longer/ Or I can try a bit harder/ We can make this work/ But maybe we should stop pretending/ We both know we’re hurting/ Maybe it’s time to go”

"Well if the end is feasible, inevitable or even imaginable, better solitude than the waiting."

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 01:24:39 -0400

“Well if the end is feasible, inevitable or even imaginable, better solitude than the waiting.”

- K’NAAN

“he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly,...

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 14:39:17 -0500

“he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”

Are You Ready?

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 15:29:00 -0500

Him: "You know why I asked how you felt about me? Because I could fall in love with you. I could buy a house with you. I could make a baby with you... I could be with you. But when I go in, I go all in. I can't do that while you're pining after another man. You're not ready for what I have to offer."

Her: "I can get ready."

Him: "That would be nice."

"It’s always words that undress you."

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 23:29:56 -0500

““It’s always words that undress you.””

"I’ve often lost myself, in order to find the burn that keeps everything awake."

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 12:44:45 -0500

“I’ve often lost myself, in order to find the burn that keeps everything awake.”

- Federico García Lorca (via misswallflower)

The Other Day

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:58:56 -0500

I never saw the day I’d see you and not want more of you. I’ve pined and cried for one more word, one more sigh for years. And one day, the other day, I got a dinner and a movie with you. After, I didn’t want more of you.

It happened. Finally.

One Way to Say 'I Love You'

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:49:39 -0500

I told him I loved him in his third day of struggling with strep throat. I crawled into bed and laid on my side, facing him. On the right side of his bed, my side. He smelled like NyQuil but I didn’t care. Sickness was the last thing, if even on my mind.

“Babe,” I whispered.

I placed my palm on his shoulder then moved upwards to cradle his cheek. Never lifting my touch.

He grunted.

“I love you,” I said.

“Babe,” he responded in the softest degree of frustration. He had wished I would have said it when he was, well not in bed with strep throat. So it would be romantic.

“I know, I know but…” I tried to explain.

“No, no it’s not that. It’s… Oh babe…” He smiled, with his eyes half open.

“I love you too.”

Never was I scared he wouldn’t say it back. To be honest, I didn’t care if he said it back. All I felt was the rush to say it. I couldn’t keep it in any longer.

How can you keep love in?

"And I’m still in love cause when it’s that real is when it doesn’t fade"

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:01:47 -0500

““And I’m still in love cause when it’s that real is when it doesn’t fade””

- Aubrey “Drake” Graham